Harry Potter Musical
by MunkishSock
Summary: Harry Potter as a musical!
1. Chapter 1

As this is my imagination we are speaking of everything is strange and cheesy and there are a few things that need to be taken into account:

Harry, Hermione and all the Weasleys speak in posh accents.

Malfoy hisses

Dumbledore is a cowboy

Snape is just as mean and callous like he is in the book but when he laughs he sounds just like Goofy.

Crabb and Goyle are renamed Tweedledee and Tweedledum.

All the Dursleys have huge moustaches and comb them regularly

It will not make sense

_Harry is just waking up out of bed to hear birds twittering outside, he starts walking downstairs._

Music – Belle from Beauty and the Beast

**Harry: **Boring town, full of boring people

Everyday, is so dull and lame

Boring town, never lets me sleep in,

As they wake up to say….

_Harry opens the door and looks out onto the street_

**Random person from window: **Hello!

**Random person from window: **Hello!

**Random person from window: **Hello!

**Random person from window: **Hello!

**Random person from window: **Hello!

**Harry: **Look at everyone so clueless and normal,

They know nothing of my life.

Every morning full of pain,

As I face a day again,

In this place where muggles dwell.

**Mr Dursley: **Harry! Get in here.

Harry goes inside 

**Harry:** What is it?

**Mr Dursley: **We need some cheese pronto. Dudley wants it. Go up to the newsagents and get some cheese.

**Harry: **But…

**Mr Dursley: **No buts. Now!

_Mr Dursley points at door. Harry sighs and walks out onto the street._

**Woman wearing giant hat: **Look there he goes, that boy is strange no question,

**Boy on bike:** Dazed and distracted can't you tell?

**A Butler: **He never wears matching socks,

**Talking dog: **That gives us quite a shock,

**Little baby girl:** It's a shame that cousin Dudley gives him hell…

**Old woman: **Hello.

**Florist: **Good day.

**Child with suit on: **How is your family?

**Captain Jack Sparrow: **Hello!

_He says this to rum_

**Some guy:** Good day.

**Girl: **How is your wife?

**One of the elderly mad: **I need! Some cheese!

**Cheese dealer: **No you're too scary.

**Harry: **Why am I in this place where muggles dwell?

_Harry goes into shop and everyone jumps into view._

**All: **Look there he goes, that boy is so peculiar,

I don't think he is ever feeling fine.

With a scar upon his head,

And a look that he's not fed,

I wonder if he knows what else can rhyme.

_Harry comes out of shop and everyone is normal again._

**Harry: **Ohhhhh…I do miss Hogwarts,

It's my favourite place because, you'll see.

It's… Where I feel welcome,

Not here where people all adore some tea!

_Everyone glares at Harry_

**Woman gardening: **Now it's a shame he only stays for summer,

There's no one else that we can mock.

**Fred Flintstone: **But from the period he's here,

**Parrot: **I think it's rather clear,

**All: **He's different from the rest of us,

**SpongeBob: **Very different from the rest of us,

**All: **He doesn't seem to carry any clock!

_Everyone apart from Harry jumps in the middle jangling their hands about like people do, Harry turns around but by then they all act innocent so he goes in the Dursley's house and shuts the door._

Music stops


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing except for the name Sir Spudikus which I'm sure no one has made up before.

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_Harry is in bed reading some Wizard books. He doesn't really need to as he has done all his homework but he feels like getting in the mood before he goes to Hogwarts tomorrow. Hedwig appears at the window and bows while some owl hoots appear in the background like when people laugh in sitcoms. Harry goes and collects the letter from his owl toe. (Quite big for an owl.)_

**Harry: **Oh, golly gosh! It's from Ron. I do wonder what he is doing. He probably isn't water skiing as it is night.

_Harry puts the letter in his letter sock and gets into bed, discarding the books._

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Music: Look out for Mister Stork from Dumbo

_Harry gets out of bed, rubs his eyes, stops rubbing his eyes and then puts his socks on (un-matching.)_

**Harry: **It's time to get the train,

The train to Hogwarts school.

I like to get this train,

This train is very cool.

I may live in this town,

This town that bears a frown,

But I go,

To this place,

That has no trouble with my face so it's time to get the train,

The train that's in London,

I like to get this train,

This train is very fun,

I'd like to use some magic as I dance out in the rain,

So I'd better go and get the train.

_Harry goes downstairs to the kitchen where the Dursleys' are up and combing, the toast that was in the toaster pops out and flies across the room in time to the music (8 times of toast popping across the room plus one deciding it wants to go back to the cosiness of the toaster thus tap dancing its way back) then an egg comes and bows even though it did nothing. The mugs of coffee start to hum the tune that's playing until they stop, then they grow legs and tap dance across the table with canes and top hats until they stop again. Then they retire to the hands in which they were in and suddenly look all evil. The Dursleys' stop their combing and put their heads together in a very suspicious way, looking at Harry who is all happy and innocent and trying to stamp on the bowing egg._

**Mr. Dursley: **He's going to get the train,

The train to that strange school.

**Mrs. Dursley: **We like him on this train,

**Dudley:** As he is such a fool.

**All of the Dursleys:** We'll be glad to see his back so we'll mail Miss Jones a sock,

But not an expensive blue frock!

_They get up at the same time, pick up their newspapers at the same time, open their newspapers at the same time and eat their newspapers at the same time - all in time with the music. The bowing egg which Harry was trying to step on runs out the room so Harry follows joyfully. He closes is eyes and stamps randomly and loudly on the hall floor to find he missed, so he tries again to get the same result. And again. The egg finally runs out the door and Harry hangs his head and sulks. _

Music stops


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **I disclaim everything. (Hahaha… they suspect nothing).

_Harry is on platform 9 ¾ with the Dursleys who are looking quite uncomfortable and moutachy. Harry puts down his briefcase and shakes hands with all three of them._

**Harry: **Well, goodbye. HaHaHaHaHa…..

_Harry runs off towards the pillar and through it. He spots Ron and Hermione thus running towards them as he did with the pillar._

**Ron: **Golly gosh, old chap. You have grown.

_Harry smiles proudly. _

**Harry: **I know.

_Harry wipes a tear from his face and then they hug, patting each others back. Hermione backs away._

**Hermione: **Shouldn't we be getting on the train.

**Ron: **Aren't we on the train, oh Delilah.

**Hermione: **No. Ha!

_Gets on train. Finds empty compartment. Ron notices a spider._

**Ron: **Ahh! Spider! Scary!

_They all turn to Ron._

**Ron: **…but cool.

_Smoothes hair, straightens jacket and restores coolness._

Music: Blood by My Chemical Romance

**Harry: **I think about this journey all the summer,

As my home in Privet Drive is such a bore.

**Ron + Hermione: **We pity you, we do and we both like that hat.

**All three: **But at least we're happy now,

_They all clap twice._

**All three: **In compartment four…

We are so glad,

**Jazz people: **Glad!

_They do jazz hands while singing this._

**Neville Longbottom: **And we're singing on the train that does go to Hogwarts school.

**Harry and Ron: **We are so glad,

**Harry, Ron + Hermione: **Glad,

**Harry, Ron, Hermione + Neville: **Glaaaaad!

_They all glare at Neville who dances around the room, flailing his arms about wildly._

**Neville: **Back away because I think I'm going mad.

**Malfoy: **Now it's a shame that this year's spent with that git Malfoy.

Music stops suddenly

_Everyone turns and looks at Malfoy. Malfoy gets paper out of pocket, ruffles through it and looks embarrassed._

**Malfoy: **Sorry, wrong line.

_Malfoy goes out compartment._

Music starts at where it left off - less enthusiasm

**Ginny: **Now it's a shame that this year's spent with that git Malfoy.

**Fred + George: **Let's hope that he has fallen down a hole.

**Hermione: **The teachers -

**Snape: - **But not Snape -

**Hermione: **- They adore me so!

_Looks immensely proud._

**Hitler: **And its really quite a fun time, as it's not including mole!

**Mole: **Oh thank you.

**All: **We are so glad,

**Jazz people: **Glad!

_Yes._

**The Penguin Community (TPC): **That summer is now over,

**All: **And we're singing on the train that does go to Hogwarts school.

We are so glad,

**Less people: **Glad,

**That person on the Simpson with the cool, squeaky voice that keeps saying me and disagreeing with the crowd: **Glaaaaaad!

_All move into the middle covering the Simpson's dude. Smiling._

**Bo-Chad:** And of course my name is no Bo-Chad.

**Jesus: **Liar.

Music stops


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own anything but I AM cool………cough……… laughs nervously

* * *

_Pupils file into the big hall where they eat and stuff talking excitedly, but not about cheese. Some pupils have no one to talk to (L) so they just chatter their teeth like this game I have. While all this normalness is happening, the teachers rub their hands together evilly and plot plotting thoughts. As do the Slytherins._

Music: Halloween from the Nightmare Before Christmas. Though, of course, that Kill Bill song starts playing first before realising that's not what's supposed to happen. The sound person blames it on Voldemort.

**Teachers: **Look at these children all weird,

**Snape:** Harry's here, it's as I feared.

_Professor Flitwick stands on chair._

**Professor Flitwick: **I am cool and you are not!

_Nobody glances up but somehow a pie gets thrown at him and he topples of his chair._

**Ron: **Look there's Snape, take a sho- ot.

_This is to Harry who promptly throws a pie at Snape, but of course it hits flit wick. Audience laughter rings out._

**All the students: **We're at Hogwarts, we're at Hogwarts!

Look at the sky,

**Hermione: **It's actually the roof.

_Everyone glares at Hermione._

**All the students: **We're at Hogwarts, I wear short shorts!

Magic duels until the opponent goes 'poof'.

**Super-secret-guinea-pigs-that-fly-around-with-capes-on: **Gweeeeee!

**Professor Trelawney: **In this school, I predict,

Your all going to die! While watching chick flicks.

**Malfoy: **I am the one that you all adore,

**Pansy: **Your so cool that it's hard to ignore.

_Pies are thrown at them._

**Cat in the Hat: **I am in the wrong story,

I shall go, I'm so sorry.

_Everyone puts their goblets in the air and sway like in stonecutters (Simpsons) where they sing._

**Everyone: **This is Hogwarts, this is Hogwarts!

**Ginny: **Hogwarts school!

**Luna: **Hogwarts school!

**Stewie: **Excellent.

_Hides… ACTIVE GRENADES!_

**Parvati: **Hogwarts school!

**Fred: **I am George.

**George: **I am Fred.

**Nick: **As you can see I am quite dead.

**Bananas in pyjamas: **We're not here, we're invisible,

**Neville: **No your not I can see your hats.

_They glance at each other then run out the door quickly leaving a cloud of air like in cartoons._

**Laughing bunny: **Hahahahaha, hahahahahahaha.

**Pancake: **That's very annoying so you'll shut up now.

**Cheese dealer: **Cheese!

**Everyone: **This is Hogwarts.

Eggs, frogs and pickled warts.

**Talking clock: **I am scared.

**Clock collector: **That's quite alright.

_Puts clock in bag._

**Gingerbread man: **Eat a slug, eat a worm,

Go and get a strange new perm,

But don't you eat my gumdrop buttons.

**Someone taking this seriously: **That didn't rhyme! That didn't rhyme!

_Jumps up and down childishly stamping his feet._

**Everyone: **Hogwarts school, is quite fine.

**Left out child looking very sad: **I have a feather, can I join in.

**Everyone: **No!

_Pushes left out child looking very sad out._

**Dobby: **Oh what a shame.

_Looks sad._

**Everyone: **She had quite a big chin!

**Hermione:** I like to boogie woogie with my bestest friends.

_Looks adoringly at Ron and Harry._

**Harry: **I like to smile, so I smile no end.

_Teachers whisper to each other._

**Professor McGonagall: **I hate my hair, what should I have done.

**Professor Sprout: **Eat some vegetables, that'll be fun.

**Everyone: **This is Hogwarts, this is Hogwarts!

Hogwarts school, Hogwarts school, Hogwarts school, Hogwarts school.

**Tweedledee and Tweedledum: **Cakes and chocolate everywhere,

Life's no fun unless you have hair.

**Bald chap: **Hey!

**Snape: **Pathetic children, they smell bad.

**Bo-Chad: **And my name is not Bo-Chad.

**Jesus: **You've done this.

**Dumbledore: **In this school, don't they love it now.

**Edna Mode: **Now that suit is quite last year

_Starts measuring Dumbledore._

**Everyone: **Voldemort! Voldemort! He resides at Kwikimort.

(He thinks he's cool but his badge says otherwise!)

**Bambi: **This is Hogwarts!

**Everyone: **Everybody SCREAM!

**Dumbledore**: Look to your left and see how I control you.

**Gryffindor: **Red

**Slytherin: **Green

**Gryffindor: **Red

**Gryffindor: **Red

**Hufflepuff: **Blue

**Trombone teacher: **Everyone remember the trombone cue!

_Trombones start playing but they stop soon after as the trombone players start eating the trombones. Oh how they crave those trombones._

**Everyone: **This is Hogwarts, this is Hogwarts!

**Ravenclaw: **Hogwarts school!

**Hufflepuff: **Hogwarts school!

**Gryffindor: **Hogwarts school!

**Slytherin: **Hogwarts school!

**Dumbledore: **In this school, please be quiet.

Now is time to calm the riot.

**Everyone: **Lalalalalala Hogwarts school, Hogwarts school.

Lalalalalala Hogwarts school, Hogwarts school.

Lalalalalala Hogwarts school, Hogwarts school.

_Gets gradually quieter until it's silent. The small boy on the tricycle from The_

_Incredible's bubbles pop and gazes in bewilderment at everyone. Dumbledore looks shiftily, zaps the boy and acts if nothing happened._

**Dumbledore: **Welcome.

_Everyone starts clapping. This clapping goes on for a long period of time, the Gryffindors scream, the Slytherins jeer, this certainly is a sight. It seems that the headmasters speech made quite an impact. Oh Oh OH! Look at that! It seems that a Hufflepuff has stood up onto the table and boogied. Yes, she boogied. Whoa, we'll never see THAT again. The headmaster has just ordered silence, and look! He's waved his wand and FOOD has appeared on everybody's plates. Well Carol, what do you think of this. _

**Dumbledore: **Enjoy your food.

_Everyone enjoys their food._

**Harry: **Food. Food! FOOD!

**Ron: **No Harry…sustenance.

**Harry: **Yes, but if I shout that in a way that gets louder and implies that I'm mentally deranged it just won't sound right.

**Ron: **Fair enough.

**Hermione: **Can we round this off now.

_Rounds off._

* * *

I…like…teapots! That'll do. 


	5. Chapter 5 compilation

**Disclaimer: **Snippitty snoppitty snuppit. (I don't own anything)

* * *

_Hagrid steps out onto the ground wearing a tuxedo and bows to the daffodils who don't bow back and you shouldn't expect them to. He starts walking proudly like in very old movies._

Music: Winter Wonderland. You know. The Christmas song.

**Hagrid: **Feel the rain,

On your shoulders.

**Alfred (the ant): **It causes pain,

To us it's boulders.

**Hagrid: **Don't you dare touch that rake.

_To rake stealer._

**The Rake Stealer: **But eat his crunchy rock cakes.

**Hagrid: **Eating rock cakes makes you understand.

Music: Grease Lightning from Grease

_We're now looking in on a disco hall with lots of floating afros. Hee._

**Ron: **Ron's Disco!!!

**Harry: **If you ever feel lonely, come over to our groove domain.

**Gryffindors: **Ron's Disco, Oh! Ron's Disco!

_Ron's sitting in a throne at the end of the room looking very proud with girls fanning him._

**Harry: **For it sure doesn't, have a risk at all to do with trains.

**Slytherins: **Ron's Disco, Oh. Ron's Disco.

_Half-heartedly._

**Harry: **For when you open up the door,

And you see a carrot cake.

You leave it on the floor,

And you dance around it's plate

Ron's Disco.

**Everyone: **Whoa Whoa, whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa.

Friend Like Me - Aladdin

_Now in a cave of redness. Like Scar's cave. The cool lion out of the Lion King who slaps his head and then says 'I'm surrounded by idiots.'_

**Voldemort: **I used to be a handsome man,

And it's very hard to sing this song,

So I am going to improvise,

And maybe you could tag along.

You see, I am the coolest dude,

No ever dares disagree,

And that my friends, is eating you,

That was nearly like the chocolate factory.

**Wormtail: **Mr! Voldemort!

**Voldemort: **What is it stupid mouse.

**Wormtail: **Well you see, you're very cool.

**Voldemort: **You ain't ever had afoe like me!

_Hands up in the air (for the record, I just spelt air wrong twice) looking Voldemortey._

Bicycle Song - Queen

_In the hall now, everyone is swaying side to side. _

**Everyone: **Jack Sparrow!

Jack Sparrow!

**Professor McGonagall: **Jack Sparrow doesn't have anything,

To do with this story.

_Looking disapproving._

**Random girl in pigtails: **Jack Sparrow is so cool you see,

We included him in poetry!

_Dumbledore stands up from his throne-like chair, his hair blowing in the non existent breeze, he shakes his hair and bit then puts his hands in the air._

Music: The Circle Of Life from The Lion King

**Dumbledore: **It's the hall of hogwaaaaaaaaaaaaaarts,

Look at them all.

**Professor Sprout: **What a strange little booooooooy,

_Points at boy._

**Professor Sprout: **He ran into a wa-all.

**Everyone: **Bumedum, Bumedum.

Do do do do do do!

_(writers block)_

**Dumbledore: **It's the haaaaw aw aw aw all,

The hall of hogwartssssssssssssssssss,

Yeah!

_Dumbledore jumps up on desk and strips off to reveal a shiny Elvis suit. Everyone else jumps on table and starts disco diva demon dancing. (I think my brother's nickname is Disco Diva Demon Dancing Dude or something.)_

Music: Daddy Cool

**Dumble-cool: **Dumble-cool Dumble-cool!

**Everyone: **Oh Dumble-cool!

**Dumble-cool: **Dumble-cool Dumble-cool!

**Everyone: **Oh Dumble-cool!

**Dumble-cool: **Dumble-cool Dumble-coo oo oo ool.

Dumble-cool Dumble-cool.

**Everyone: **Uh uh uh! Uh uh uh!

_Everyone's dancing while Hermione looks thoughtful, not dancing._

Music: Any Dream Will Do from Joseph

**Hermione: **I like to read.

I read in hallways,

What rhymes with hallways.

Damn, I should know.

**Snape: **Yes you should.

You disappoint me

Toenail. Clippings.

In my tea.

_Harry and Ron snigger in a corner nearby._

**Harry: **I see an owl!

**Ron: **An owl of white!

**Harry: **That owl is mine!

**Ron: **It's out of sight!

**Harry: **Oh why did you leave me Hedwig.

**Ron: **Harry wants some mail!

**Girls nearby: **Mail Mail Mail MAIL!

_Everyone gathers together in the middle._

Music: Once Upon A Dream from Sleeping Beauty

**Everyone: **We, all, live in Hogwarts school of witchcraft, and wizardry,

The syll-a-bles don't fit but who cares,

You do?

**Luna: **Screw you I have flu.

**Dobby: **It's a shame you smell, but I guess you'll find, some good, deodorant.

**Malfoy: **And you know I'm cool!

**Ron: **No we don't FOOL!

**Everyone: **We all need a hat

To help us with maths

Even though, we don't, learn it.

Music: Any Dream Will Do (again) from Joseph (the last line)

**Everyone: **Hogwarts.

School.

Is.

Cool.

Instrumental end

_Everyone holds hands and bows, applause rings out, people throws roses at them even though they have no idea why they have roses in the first place, the curtain close. _


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: **And sorry I don't do this very often. I don't really have an excuse.

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_Harry walks down a hallway trying to find the new defence against the dark arts classroom. He opens a door to see Professor McGonagall arm wrestling with some chipmunks. He closes the door. He opens the next door, but that was just a room full of sad people on chairs with a banner saying "trombones anonymous" above their heads. He tries the next door._

**Hermione and Ron: **Harry!

**Seamus: **Gel?

_Harry slides a pot of gel down his arm towards Seamus and then winks. Seamus swoons. He goes to sit next to Ron and Hermione._

**Harry:** Who's the new defence against the dark arts teacher then?

_The lights dim and the portraits clap their hands enthusiastically._

Music Be Our Guest in Beauty and the Beast

**Strange voice behind the curtain. Beehiiind thee currrtaaain: **It. Is I!

_The strange voice jumps out from behind the curtain. Or course it wasn't just a voice but that's what Lavender was wondering._

**Bearded Guy: **Bearded guy! And I'd like you all to fly. Come up and stand up on top of me. I'll launch you up Clive.

**Clive up on chandelier: **Hi!

_Bearded Guy jumps up onto a desk stylishly, crushing someone's hand albeit, but he was shoved to one side as Homer came to watch._

**Homer: **Wooooow.

**Bearded Guy: **Parvati! Can't you see? There's a monkey in your tea.

_Parvati sees and screams._

**Bearded Guy: **Don't you worry; don't despair, why it's only fishing there.

_Parvati gives a sigh of relief and gazes adoringly at the monkey._

**Bearded Guy: **Try to waltz to Aberdeen. I can teach you Ron and Dean!

**Hermione: **But what about the learning for defeeence!

_They all glare at Hermione._

**Bearded Guy: **What the point in trying, stuff that prevents us dying!

Where's the fun! Where's the fun! Where's the fun!

_Hermione looks humph-ey._

**Harry: **I do agree. We can't just flee. What do we do when there's no tea!

Do we starve?

**Bearded Guy: **I don't care. All I know is stuff with flair.

**Clive: **So true.

_Bearded Guy rips off his tie and does that whip thing that Indiana Jones does with it across the classroom._

**Hermione: **That's not right. It held on tight.

**Ron: **A charm to give it might?

**Harry: **You forgot this school your at, is full of magi-

**Hermione: **Oh yes that.

_Bearded Guy starts grooving to the classes delight._

**Seamus: **Teach me judo!

**Portrait of Monopoly: **But not cludo.

_Glares at portrait of Cludo._

**Portrait of Cludo: **Oh don't spread out your angry mood.

**Opera Singer:** Oh!

Music stops suddenly.

_Opera singer is muffled and stole by Homer. Everyone stares._

**Homer: **Whew! That was close.

_Someone coughs._

Music starts again, with everyone looking suspicious.

**Bearded Guy: **Won't you all come in and share your lives to Lynne–

_Lynne waves._

**Bearded Guy: **It is I! Bearded Guy! From the sky!

Music stops.

_Everyone is silent and unblinking while looking at Bearded Guy._

**Homer: **Wooooow.


End file.
